:: Andy vs James ::

AN INTERVIEW WITH ANDY

It is 3 o’clock in the afternoon, and I am sitting in a Starbucks on Ventura Boulevard in the Valley. An irate customer is demanding whiskey in his grande vanilla latte. After a three-minute tirade, the customer turns and walks towards me mumbling about the stupidity of liquor laws. He sits down before me prepared for our interview. This is Andy Schlossberg: Animator, Programmer, and Drinker.

Andy, it’s a great honor to get to interview you here today. I have a lot of questions from your fans that we will be getting to later, but for now, why don’t you tell our readers a little something about yourself?

Is that some sort of penis joke?

No, nothing of the sort.

Theresa says it’s big enough and that size doesn’t matter. Aren’t we supposed to be talking about my animations?

Yes...how silly of me to, uhm, digress. So how did these animations start?

Well, I drew this nasty picture of James’ girlfriend. He took offense to it and started drawing pictures of me. I retaliated and it just continued. Fortunately for James, he doesn’t work and has a lot free time – you know cuz he freeloads off his girlfriend. So he made the first cartoon. That’s why he always has more animations done than me.

And so where do you two intend to go with these?

We figure if our web traffic continues to grow at an exponential rate, we will be getting more unique visitors than Yahoo in about 10 months.

That’s sort of a bold statement. What are you basing your figures on for that?

Well the first month the site was up it got 3 hits. Two from me and one from James. The second month we got almost 30. That’s a 1000% increase in traffic. By our numbers, that means next month should see 30,000 visitors and the month after 30,000,000. The month following that, we should get 30,000,000,000 hits.

Andy, that is outrageous. There aren’t even 30-billion people on the planet. I think you may be over-estimating.

Keep up your non-belief. When we rule the Internet, I am going to delete all records of your existence.

I’m shaking in my boots. Really. So why did the two of you choose Flash to do the animations?

We both had cracked versions of it at home.

How long have you been using Flash?

It must be about 18 years now. Ever since I was a little boy.

But Flash was invented less than ten years ago.

Are you calling me a liar?

Well, yes. Under the circumstances, I guess I am.

Prove it.

I just did.

Did not.

Are you always this immature?

Why does everyone ask me that?

Maybe we should move on to the next question. How long does the average James animation take to make?

Hmm.

[Andy pulls out a pen and starts to scribble on a Starbucks napkin.]

Two months, nine days, sixteen hours, forty-seven minutes and nineteen point two seconds.

Wow I don’t think anyone expected such a precise answer.

Then why’d you ask?

I think we were looking for a more general answer. You know like two weeks or a month and a half.

I can recalculate it if you want. Give me a minute.

[Andy begins scribbling notes on the napkin again.]

Really, Andy, that’s quite unnecessary.

It’s ok. I’m done. They take about a week each.

That’s quite a different estimate from your first answer.

I rounded down a few numbers.

Or you suck at math.

What?

Nothing. Let’s move on.

Yeah.

In your opinion? Whose cartoons are better?

Definitely mine. James’ cartoons are boring and they don’t make any sense. I mean c’mon. We sold the tv stand from Andy 4 like 3 months ago, and he wouldn’t even do a special edition rerelease to digitally insert the new tv stand. I mean how is he going to maintain a sense of realism in his animations if he continues down that road?

But didn’t you animate James running naked flying a kite out of his butt?

Yeah.

That doesn’t seem very realistic to me.

That was based on a real incident. Here I even have a photo of it.

Andy, that is just a still from the animation which you taped a picture of James’ head onto from a photograph.

Think what you want. I saw it. It was real.

So do all of your ideas come from real things James has done?

No. Sometimes I ask my friends Matt and Kathy if they have any ideas. Then when they tell me their ideas, I write them down so I will not forget them.

Have any of the current James animations been inspired by your friends’ ideas?

No. I write them down so I can make sure I DON’T animate anything like that. You know...cuz they are stupid.

Your friends or their ideas?

Yes.

Any other sources?

Well sometimes in a pinch I will sacrifice a virgin to my demonic god, Gortard.

Gortard? And he provides you with your ideas?

YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO SPEAK HIS NAME!!!!

Ugh. Would you care to answer questions concerning the immature content of your animations?

No. I don’t really feel the need to defend myself.

You mentioned to me prior to the interview that you once met Michael Eisner. Was that meeting an inspiration for you to animate these cartoons?

How long did it take you to come up with that one? I can’t answer questions about somebody who I knew for five minutes. I drank too much when I was a teenager and I don’t remember much about the people I was hanging out with.

What does your drinking too much as a - you know what – never mind. What’s your opinion of James? Are you friends with him? Or is there true hatred between you?

He’s hot! We were just doing a big press junket, and every girl who sat down to interview him turned red. It took me two weeks to get past the fact that he’s not Sonny from The Godfather. "You’re Sonny. Please don’t speak to-

Wait a second. That answer sounds very familiar.

I have no idea what you are talking about. Now as I was saying. "You’re Sonny. Please don’t speak to-

I know this answer sounds familiar. You’re repeating answers from Stuff Magazine’s interview with Vanessa Marcil [issue 47 for our readers].

No I’m not.

Yes, you are. I have it right here. [I pull the issue from my bag and open to page 116.] You’re last three answers are word for word from her interview.

It’s just a coincidence.

You even stressed the italicized words! Right here she is talking about working with James Caan on the new TV series Las Vegas, "He’s hot! We were just doing a big press junket, and every girl who sat down to interview him turned red."

I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s a total coincidence. Let’s move on to the next question.

Fine. Let’s see where was I? Ah, here we go. What kind of computer do you use to make the James animations?

Oh, you haven’t? It’s a nice clean one. You know how guys-

Stop repeating the magazine interview.

Right. Forgot you figured that out.

I think now would be a good time to choose one of our reader’s questions. Winston from Oregon writes "Why was there such a long delay between James 1 and James 2?"

One word. Xbox. And a serious lack of motivation. Wait that’s seven words.

Charlie from Denver asks "Where did you get the music for the James animations?"

I stole it off the internet. This isn’t going to be documented, is it?

So is there any chance we can get a hint of what to expect in future James cartoons?

Sure. I just put a storyboard on the web for some friends to see. Check them out if you would like.

That would be great! What’s the URL?

You are what?

Where are the storyboards?

On the web. I just said that.

Right. Where on the web are they?

What do you mean?

What do you do for a living again?

I make websites.

And you are considered good at this?

Yeah. Why?

Nothing. Thank you for your time, Andy.

Do I get paid for this?

Let us know what you think.
andyvsjames@mondomaniatrics.com