AN INTERVIEW WITH JAMES
Narrator: Hello, faithful readers. Today we're fortunate enough to interview James, the illustrious animator of the Andy cartoons for andyvsjames.com. Hello, James.
James: Hello, Steven.
Narrator: My name isn't Steven, sir. It's Narrator.
James: Jeez, what were your parents on when you were born?
Narrator: Apparently it was something involving cognac and an Orson Wells broadcast.
James: Oh. That sucks, dude. Guess that landed you a job in interviewing celebrities for the web pretty easily, eh?
Narrator: Perhaps. But, we stray from the task at hand. Let's talk about you.
James: Ok, where do we start?
Narrator: First, why don't you tell us about yourself?
James: Where do I begin?
Narrator: In the beginning, please.
James: In the beginning, there was nothing, just darkness and warmth. Then I remember giant slick hands grabbing my body and pulling it into piercing white light. The air was freezing, and I was covered in congealed goop. I couldn't breathe because of this gelatinous substance blocking my mouth and nose. Then I was hoisted upside down into the air, held only by my ankles, where a masked man beat my ass repeatedly. All I could do was scream. Then, another monstrous figured grabbed me and placed me into a crippling bear hug, squeezing the life out of my frail bones. I lashed out and sank my teeth (which were surprisingly gum like at the time) into the beast. Its skin bled milk, and I drank savagely with victorious fervor. I wasn't going down without a fight!
Narrator: Um, I'm sorry, but perhaps you've misunderstood. I meant for you to tell us how you began Andy vs. James.
James: Huh? Oh, right. All right, fine. Andy said something about my girlfriend one day that pissed me off. So, I drew a comic strip on a napkin depicting his sorry ass getting pummeled by a girl scout. He didn't take it very well, so he tried to retaliate with his own strip. It sucked, but nonetheless it was a retort. So, we went back and forth until our fingers bled.
Narrator: So what led to the first cartoons?
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Left: Original Andy
Right: Cheap Korean rip-off
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James: Well, Andy and I are bastard children of the dot com era. We both learned how to use Flash in an attempt to make a crap load of money. When the bottom fell out of the market, we had copious amounts of free time. A copious amount of boredom doesn't help either. So I paid this Korean kid, fresh off the boat, to animate one of my strips into web cartoon. The labor was cheap, but his visual style didn't adhere to mine. (Figure 1) So I botched the deal and did it myself.
Narrator: Where do your ideas come from?
James: Well, when Andy pisses me off, I just close my eyes and think of what would cause him the most pain during his final moments in life. Sometimes is involves a chainsaw, other times it involves overdosing on gay pornography. Either way, each Andy animation offers its own morsel of therapy. Therapy that I most desperately need at this point in my life.
Narrator: How long do Andy animations take?
James: About half a day. Usually a good weekend will do.
Narrator: Can you give us a preview of any future animations?
James: Sorry, but as of now Andy 4 outranks the James collection by 2 animations. Once the real Andy gets off of his lazy ass and completes a couple more, I'll begin retaliating.
Narrator: Well, I think it's quite safe to say that Andy animations also outrank the James animations in quality, wouldn't you agree.
James: No shit, Sherlock. James 1 was a tough one to beat, but site statistics from andyvsjames.com clearly puts the latest Andy far above James 1 as far as unique visits.
Narrator: And how many unique visits have you received this month?
James: Three. That's up 40% from last month, though one of them came from my new computer. So I guess we're up to two now.
Narrator: Where do you see andyvsjames.com in the future.
James: Nowhere. This whole lot is crap. I can't imagine keeping this up unless it starts making us money. Andy's an ok guy, but my free time is better spent on the more important things in life.
Narrator: Asian porn?
James: You're damn right! Asian porn, booze, and stealing old lady's money. Or maybe Asian ladies, money, and stealing old lady's booze.
Narrator: I fail to see any need to go on. Thank you very much for your time, James.
James: No prob. Now get out of my office before I release the hounds.
Narrator: (exits)
James: (continues to weep in the corner, clutching his high school valedictorian emblem)
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